The following is a piece I submitted to McSweeney's for their "Open Letters" feature. Biting my nails, I waited two weeks that seemed like a lifetime to get a very kind rejection email. So don't get me wrong - I still love McSweeney's. But I like the piece enough to make me publish it here for self-gratification. Also... if you think someone in it is you, you're wrong - any similarities to persons blah blah blah - you know the drill. Please to enjoy...

 

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AN OPEN LETTER

TO THE UNSUSPECTING ACQUAINTANCE

WITH WHOM I JUST DROPPED OFF

MY PUPPY “CUDDLES” FOR THE WEEKEND

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Dear Unsuspecting Acquaintance,

I suppose you are finished cleaning up the corners on which “Cuddles” urinated before I could even get out of your house. I was sincerely hoping he would not do that until I was gone. Soon you will realize that I was completely lying when I professed he never does anything like that at home. In truth, he does it disturbingly often, and (I believe) with malicious intent. I was going to admit it, go ahead and warn you that you would need to be ever-vigilant of his geographic location within your home (and the absorbency properties of your belongings), and then I just... didn’t! It was rather thrilling, actually. You naively and sincerely wished me a good weekend as I beat my hasty retreat. To tell you the truth, I don’t even have a last-minute business trip this weekend! I am embarrassed to admit that as I saw you in my rear-view, waving & desperately clutching the wriggling monster in your arms, just the tiniest sliver of my brain thought, “Sucker!” But only for an instant.

I know that by the time I return from my giddy weekend away from that spawn of the devil, things between us will have changed. I know you will have stared hopelessly into those soulless black eyes that never sleep (that barely blink!), and you will know that I know. That I already knew. We will meet again at your front door; you, looking haggard from lack of sleep due to the ear-piercing yips coming from his crate all night long; me, looking sheepish and well-rested. As you hand off the demon and his trappings*, our eyes will not meet. I will see that your arms bear the bright red scratches from his knife-sharp “baby” teeth that he uses to gnash at tender parts of your anatomy when you least expect it, with attack-dog-like tenacity. We will mutter meaninglessly at each other in an effort to end our interaction as quickly as possible, and I can cross another name off of my “People Who Will Dog-Sit For Me” list.

But at least for this moment, this heavenly span of time between your blissful ignorance and your knowledge of my deceit, I am free of that damned hell-hound.

Sincerely,
Ashley Veselka Forsythe

*Honestly, all those toys are just camouflage. I bought them for “Cuddles” originally, but at this point they just help to disguise him as a normal canine, to get him through your front door. You will have discovered that none of those shiny, squeaky baubles work in distracting him from his three insatiable needs: to gnaw human flesh, to howl-shriek-scream, and to urinate/defecate on your most prized possessions. They’re included now to comfort you and fill the seemingly endless hours until I return. You are welcome.

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Thanks to Scott, who let us watch his adorable mini Schnauzer pup Colin overnight; one tiny puppy accident before he left kicked off this whole idea in my head. Colin was an absolute dear and we'd be happy to do it again. Thanks for firing me up with the urge to write again!

I just did something that scares the hell outta me. It's something I've wanted to do FOREVER, but my fear of failure was so great that I just never even allowed myself to try. It was better to think of it as a possibility not explored than to find out that I suck.

I submitted something I wrote to a site that I have a deep respect for, so deep that I find it intimidating. And I really hope they publish it. It's nothing life-changing, but it's a start. The littlest thing the other day just blossomed into a funnier idea that I had to type up immediately, and when it was done, I thought, "Huh. I could actually submit this." Of course it took me two weeks to get up the guts, polishing it here and there, even laying it out like it would look if it actually got published. I am a dork.

I've just been so INSPIRED lately. Of course, since I just got married (to the best guy on earth!) in April, most of my life has been all things wedding for about a year and a half. I found a whole world of wedding bloggers and crafters and bliss-followers that I never knew existed. I've been reading a lot from @laracasey about Making Things Happen. I watched Dana from The Broke-Ass Bride take her wedding blog and turn it into a media company with her husband. How awesome is that?!?! I want to make things happen! I've already quit my day job, now I just have to get my Etsy shop up & running! Especially with exposure like our wedding being featured in The Knot on the way. But I've been struggling over things like finding the perfect shop name. It's been hard to be so inspired generally, but still feel so stifled, not having any space to work on my crafts for my etsy shop (due to The Disaster - more on that later), with so many boxes to unpack & no place to unpack them. I feel as if I was truly inspired by the crafting right now, I'd be crafting in the space we've cleared in the living room, but it's just not coming to me. Instead of continuing to flail about and make excuses for why I'm not crafting, I decided to work on something that's coming easily right now and doesn't require space. Writing.

Along those lines: I've been reading a lot of Wil Wheaton's work, listening to his Memories of the Futurecast, and it's just lit a fire under me. His story of working so hard to get into acting again & feeling unsuccessful when in his heart he has always been an exceptional writer really hit home with me. And through his writing he's come back around as a great actor. (Read Sunken Treasure if you haven't yet. You'll be glad you did. Especially if you're a geek, or grew up watching him on TNG, or enjoy his tweets (@wilw), or are thrilled by his cult status & guest appearances on shows like Big Bang Theory.)

Long story short; I'm facing my fears, one by one, overcoming them, and getting closer to my bliss. I submitted some writing to an awesome site. And I started up this posterous blog so I can just get some stuff off my chest. I'm sure I'll have the space (in my house, my life, my brain) to hit the ground running with my Etsy shop. And hopefully soon I'll get around to our honeymoon photos... Speaking of fearlessness, I'll sign off with a shot of me in a bikini on our honeymoon. Posting a photo like this never would have happened a year ago.

- Ashley

Blogger disabled ftp uploads permanently, & I don't have time to futz with it right now. But I have stuff to say! Stuff that's too long to tweet, but not worth the effort of migrating the whole blog. And right now I just want a fresh start too, without all the stuffthatbugsme baggage. Newly married, new career direction, why not a new blog?

We'll see how this goes.